Do You Want to Be a Coach?
I love watching my brothers play football. They train so hard, learn all the plays, practice practice practice and then it's game day! LET'S GO BULLDOGS! As they play I find myself leaning in, cheering them on, and at times (sadly) I question certain calls made by the ref. You know who I don't spend a lot of time looking at, the coach. Even though the coach is the whole reason my brothers have a playbook. Even though he is the one motivating them every practice to do better, I generally do not give much notice during a game to him. Yet he is key to everything that happens.
Parents, you are the coaches to your children's lives. You cheer them on and encourage them. And sometimes being a coach means asking your kids to do hard things. Growth is generally a painful process because it changes one from a current state to a new state. This is not easy. But it is always worth it. As a parent, you are a guide and a coach for your children as they grow physically and mentally. I have found it hard to watch children experience pain as they grow. One important way that children grow is emotionally. This can be a hard one to help facilitate because emotions in children tend to run high, happy or sad, playful or sleepy, and so on. But as parents help children navigate how to express their emotions, those children will be able to handle every kind of situation more clearly and more directly because of that skill.
Dr. John Gottman and his wife Dr. Julie Gottman have been wonderful teachers to me on how to use emotional coaching with children. Here is a simple, less than 5-minute video where they give a good overview of how to be an emotional coach for a child.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3uPPEtyX_I&t=45s
Did you watch the video? What did you think? What stood out to you? What is something you want to try? (Comment below your thoughts)
After learning about emotional coaching with children, I had the wonderful opportunity to try it out. Let me share with you how that experience went.
It was a beautiful fall day and my husband and I planned on spending the morning at Yellowstone Bear World with our child and a couple of our little friends. Beau (7) and Alex (4). Let me tell you, it was amazing. The day had a perfectly cool temperature, the animals were active, and the lines were all short for the kid's ride because we got there right as they opened. I think it is safe to say, we all had a blast! As the morning moved into the afternoon, it became time to pack up and drive home. As we were driving home, Alex started to get very annoyed that she and her brother Beau were sharing the same row in the car. She started to whine, squeak, and squeal all about it. This was hard for Beau because he wasn't doing anything on purpose to frustrate his sister. I mean, he didn't design the car! As both started to become more and more frustrated with one another I tried to help. While driving I asked Beau to just ignore Alex hoping that by not getting a reaction she would stop. Well, it didn't help. Then what I had learned about emotional coaching came to my mind.
I said, "Hey guys, it has been a long day at Bear World. I am guessing Alex, do you feel pretty tired."
Alex: "Yeah"
Me: "What was your favorite part of today Beau?"
Beau: "I really like the swing that went up and down with us in it!"
Me: "Yeah that looked like so much fun! You guys sure were laughing SO MUCH."
Alex: "My favorite part was the train!"
Me: "You guys were amazing! I thought you were driving it all around the track?"
Alex: "No we weren't. We were just riding it." ...........
When I stopped trying to "fix" how the kiddos were acting and started trying to find out how they were feeling and inviting them to express it, their attitudes changed so much. Children want to be heard. They have emotions as much as any adult. They just struggle from time to time to know how to express those emotions. When given the space to do so, it ends so much better for them and you. So I challenge you, next time you get into situations where emotions are running high with a child, try to encourage them to express what they are feeling. I am sure the results will surprise you like they did for me.
Kimochis Kate. 2012 April 18. Dr. John Gottman & Dr. Julie Gottman discuss tools for parenting with emotional coaching. Youtube.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3uPPEtyX_I&t=45s
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