“The purpose of parenting is to protect and prepare a child to thrive and survive the world they are going to live in.” -Michael Popkin
Being a parent has got to be one of the greatest gifts on earth. I personally am not a parent, but through my interactions with children, I have found that they have a wealth of knowledge. If I can grow up to be like a child I think I will have succeeded in life.
This week as I have been studying parenting styles and the effects that parents have on their children, my eyes have been opened to the long-term effect that parents can have on their children. Children's basic needs, and when they are not met, they will turn to other ways of receiving them. Now I am not talking about food or shelter or the other obvious needs. These needs are met naturally led by most guardians. The five needs I will be talking about needs that are addressed by Michael Popkins, a parenting expert. With each one of the needs, I will talk about 1. The need 2. The mistaken attitudes that are presented by the child when the need is not met. 3. The appropriate response that needs to be given by the parent.
NEED 1. CONTACT/BELONGING
This need can be through physical contact, eye contact, or little physical interactions like a hand on the shoulder. For belonging children need to be given a task or a job that helps them feel that they are contributing to their family unit.
MISTAKE: Children will often act sporadically, loudly, or spontaneously when they are not given attention because they are seeking it in any way that they can get it. They will often goof off by talking loudly or making fart noises, to receive attention from anyone.
PARENTAL RESPONSE: To help a child feel that they belong, give and offer contact freely. Don’t be afraid to give a hug or look them in the eye. To feel that they belong they need to be taught how they can contribute to their family. This can be through chores or a specific job that they do daily.
NEED 2. PROTECTION
Kids need to feel safe within their own home. They need to feel safe with their parents, and safety from their parents. If they do not feel safe they will start to act out.
MISTAKE: when a child does not feel safe, they want to feel in control again. One way to do this is through revenge. Getting back at whoever made them not feel safe. this can become a vicious cycle as the parents try to get revenge back on the kid. For example, if a child doesn’t pick up their toys the parent may send them to their room. Then the child in retaliation may make a mess again. The parent feels they need to be harsher, and a more severe punishment happens. Thus a cycle.
PARENTAL RESPONSE: parents need to teach their kids to be assertive. And because life is not fair and things will happen to children that are not fair, parents need to teach forgiveness. This can be hard to teach, so the best way to do it is by example.
NEED 3. POWER
Power is a natural feeling that everybody wants. We all have power and small and big ways. Even children need to feel that they have power in their own lives.
MISTAKE: when a child feels that they are powerless in their life, they will often rebel. This can be done in small and simple ways by not listening to their guardian. Or in large ways like smoking and drinking. They will become more controlling in a way that can make it hard for the parents to find common ground.
PARENTAL RESPONSE: parents need to give their children power through choices. And then when the kid chooses a choice, the parents need to let a natural consequence happen. For example, if a child chooses to wear a sweater during the summer, parents should allow it. When that child gets hot, let them be. Do not pack extra clothes to help them escape the natural consequences.
NEED 4. WITHDRAWAL
Everybody needs their time. We all have personal likes and dislikes. Children need to be allowed to have time to themselves to explore things that they enjoy.
MISTAKE: when children are not given breaks or times to explore or do what they love, they will give undue avoidance to the tasks that they need to fulfill.
PARENTAL RESPONSE: parents need to be able to give their children a break during the child’s day-to-day life. If we do not give them natural breaks then they will start to act out.
NEED 5. CHALLENGE
Everyone has and needs challenges in their life, it’s how we grow. If children are not given challenges how are we supposed to expect them to grow and develop?
MISTAKE: if a child is not given a place to challenge and grow, then they will start to take undue risks to find that challenge. This can be a matter of safety both physically and in other ways.
PARENTAL RESPONSE: Parents need to give children a place where they can grow and develop skills in their lives. The more outlets kids are given to challenge themselves, the less risk will be taken.
These five needs are universal. Whether children or adults, we all need these five needs. they need to be given a safe and comfortable way home so that children Will not go looking for other places that will meet their needs. That’s up to the parents to raise their child, not the ways of the world.
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