Communication, Offensive Stance or Defenses?

 

  Almost every town has a bad area, usually an alleyway in the downtown area that’s dark and you wouldn’t wanna be there at night. Well imagine one night you and your sweetheart were walking down that bad alleyway, and turn the corner and you see a guy who looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and he has his hands up ready to fight. what would your reaction be? Would you turn around and run? Would you try to protect your sweetheart? Would you lay on the ground and played it? 

There are many different ways to react, most of them very normal and natural. I know I would either put my fist up to fight or touch my tail between my legs and run.

But what if you didn’t know the whole story? What if he was putting his best stuff in defense? Would that change your reaction? Often, in communication and sports, offensive and defensive positions look the same. Imagine a football team lining up to start a play. Think of a basketball team facing off for the ball.

The same as our communication within our family. In a study done on communication, it was said that 51% is done through nonverbal, 35% is done through our tone, and 14% of our communication is done through words.

So how do we improve communication? What can we do to better understand our family members and be more clear when we want to communicate?

And a book called “Feeling Good Together” dr. David E. Burns teaches the five secrets of effective communication. I would like to challenge you to use this in a conversation when things may be difficult.

1. Disarming. The first thing to do when you are in an argument or fight is to find the truth in what the other person is saying.
2. Empathy. Put yourselves in the other person’s shoes. This will help you both get on the same page. 
3. Inquiry. Ask gentle and probing questions to learn more about what the other person is trying to convey to you.
4. Assertive. Use statements like “I feel” to help yourself be heard and understood clearly. 
5. Respect. Convey an attitude of respect to finding something genuinely positive about the other person. This will create a good connection

 

Now, remember the story about running into an Arnold Schwarzenegger kinda guy? In communication often people will be on the offense and it looks like they are on the defense. It is important to remember that in communication we are trying to help one another, not tear each other down. 

In Ephesians 4:29 it reads, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”

I believe the scripture of the Bible is teaching us that we are to be true to ourselves and true to what we are saying. As we strive a little harder to be clear and our communication, corrupt communication will diminish. We can stand together stronger in our conversations and our interactions as we do better at staying true to what we are saying. I implore you to try to be clear and direct as you speak to those you love, through more than your words. They will hear, but most importantly they will feel and see it.

Communication can make or break any relationship. I would like to invite you to use David E Burns’s five secrets of communications to better improve the relationships around you. This is not just for bad relationships or for arguments, it is for a better understanding of the two parties. As we strive to better communicate we will find that we are striving for a better relationship.