What does "the look" mean?

What are patterns in your family that have created theories for you? I'll share one from mine. In my family one theory we have created looks like this, "Oh hey kids, since this weekend we are going to the ranch, bring an old pair of shoes that you no longer wear. We will throw them into the shoe tree on our way over." The pattern that has been set is every time we go to my Grandparents ranch, we would stop on the way at the shoe tree. This is a large, old, and nearly dead tree that we would pass and throw our old shoes on like, the locals did. Because we are going to the ranch then we will probably be stopping at the tree. This is a theory. Does that example help you understand what a theory looks like in a family setting? Common theories  that many families share are, "Oh she has been dating him for over 6 months, they must be getting engaged." or "Aunt (insert name) is coming, we better watch our language." Now I said these are common themes, these theories may change from family to family. For example, in my family, if you know Aunt Joyce will coming over, well then let’s just say she makes us all laugh with her word choice.

Now, why talk about theories when the family as a topic, covers so much. Because where do our theories come from? When we have constant patterns in our lives, we start to formulate theories. Theories help shape the way we see the world and the way we live our day to day lives. When we see patterns happen often enough, we start to shape theories about what happens in the future the next time that event happens. I shared some examples of theories in my family to help build an understanding of why we have them. What are some theories that you have in your family? I believe that if we understand where these theories truly come from, then we are taking one step closer to better understand how to better help the family.

There is a type of theory used often in the sociology world, called Symbolic Interaction Theory. This type of theory was created by men who watched and observed people. They concluded that we often react to what we think others are meaning through their unsaid conversation. For example, when I was younger my mom had “a look” and this “look” was dangerous. You knew you were pretty much going to get it if you got “the look.” My mom conveyed so much through “the look” but she didn’t ever say much with it. However we all knew that someone would be in trouble if “the look” was seen. (Now naturally, I was a wonderful child and did not have “the look”  given often. I know more about it through watching my brothers get it. 😊 )

Does that example make sense? We communicate through body language and under lining meaning more than our words sometimes. The Symbolic Interaction Theory suggest that there are significant  implications communicated when certain actions or body language is given or seen. When you see a man get down on one knee, we think, “Oh he is asking the girl to marry him.” How do you know that? Not because of what he said with words, but what he said with his actions. Because overtime the action has taken on a symbolic meaning.

In a family, my mom’s “look” is symbolic. Red roses are symbolic. White at a wedding is symbolic. Getting on one knee is symbolic. Does this help you understand the theory? Hopefully by now the answer is yes. The next step then is to understand how we can better improve these unspoken actions  to help our relationships.

For starters, what are we saying when we roll our eyes or fold our arms in front of our body? When my husband is telling me a story and I get on my phone, what am I communicating to him? How can I give more positive feedback and communication through what I am not saying?

Time and time again it has been said that we must listen to hear, not to reply. Through watching our symbolic interaction, (or what we are not saying through our words) we can communicate kinder and more effectively and faster than watching our words. Communication is hard, but as we work on our nonverbal communication we will find greater peace in our relationships and homes.

“More effective family communication requires a willingness to: practice patience, set the stage, sacrifice, avoid judgment, vocalize feelings, listen and maintain confidence.” You may notice that in this quote from Marvin J Ashton, only one of those actions require speaking. May we go forward looking to improve our symbolic interactions with one another so that our interactions may be more uplifting.